Sparkle & Fade

Today I made a snowglobe for my best friend's birthday,

which is coming up this weekend. (Also, Edward came to visit!)

I can't wait to see her! :)

I should have posted this yesterday but oh well here it is today.

Cleaned my room!

Oh these decisions are tearing us apart.

I've decided I'm going to wake up at 7 AM everyday.

I've decided to throw away all of my friends and start over.

I've decided I'm going to move to where my best friend lives.

I've decided to get gauges.

I've decided to laugh more.

I've decided to get a new role model.

I've decided to learn more.

I've decided to make a video every day.

I've decided to live out my New Year's resolution.

I've decided to get ready and go.

So she had a point after all..

PS- I'm not going to sit back and let you take control over my life.

Recent Ramblings

You know what? Some people seem to get less and less interesting each day...

I am exhausted and fed up with being used. If you want me because you love me, then that's great, but if what you really want is a way to lure me into doing something for you, then forget it. Go find yourself a service dog or something. I have better things to do- like finding good company.

I'm worn down and on the edge of breaking. I feel like sandstone has been grinding it's fierce abrasion into me for countless years...

I can take the sun setting on me each day. I can take worrying all the time. I can take the questions and the doubts. I can take the self-inflicting pain and the low esteem.

But I absolutely cannot take not loving myself. I'm not stuck with all the surrounding strangers. But I am stuck with myself forever. My body is with me until I die and I want to love it. My personality is what will affect encounters. If I can't stand everything I am, then what's the point?

Something HAS to change, and I think it's taken me 18 years to the date to realize that it's not my location, my friends, my family or my career choice.

It's me.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.

Life is so spectacular.

Most people imagine the Rockies and Niagara falls while looking at the back of a cubicle everyday. Some of them will save up all their money for 3 years and take a nice family vacation there, strategically planned out, for example, where they'll stop, what path they'll take to get there, how long to spend taking pictures and sightseeing, & where to stop for lunch. Sure a few smiles and memories will be made- like the time dad got lost by trying to take a short cut off of the interstate and everyone ended up spending the night in the desert. Or when Christina flushed her burger king toy down the toilet and it overflowed and flooded the whole bathroom on the RV. Good times.

But I want to live a scattered life. I say let's go to Iceland. We'll make it to the corner of Canadian land- as far as we can go before we have to swim there. And then we'll find a boat and maybe work our way over there by ice fishing and once we're there we'll hitchhike to the glaciers and sneak in with a tour group and go off of a trail and all take a spa dip in the hot springs and cool air, with all that fog around us and nothing but our winter hats on. It's traveling without knowing. It's open to so many adventures and sure you may not be able to eat much or you might get yelled at a lot, or even come close to being killed a few times (who knew that driver was a creeper, right?) I just want to get up and go. People think about stuff too much. I just want to travel and be merry and laugh with good company and never settle and never have a job and never grow up. Maybe that Peter Pan kid was on to something...

Infinite's not quite the word...

Sometimes, I grab the skin on my neck and think about how I'm alive.

I hate thinking... and I love it. Thinking depresses me though. Going along with things out of oblivion is a much happier lifestyle. But it's also a wasteful life. My theory is- question everything. Find all possible solutions. And go with the one that makes you smile the most, even if you know in your heart it's all a lie. But never stop questioning. Live open minded.